In honor of Rosh Hashana – I figured I’d answer the age-old question: Why 5770 and not 2009? Last year it was the same just with 5769 and 2008 etc. It changes every year – but the point is, there is a reason. Several, actually:

Some very clever Jews some 5770 or 2009 years ago decided it would be a good idea to place our calendar year some 3760 years ahead of the Gregorian calendar. The reasons for this are unclear, but there could be a few explanations for this interesting discrepancy:

The Rapture Extravaganza! (don’t forget chips & dip)

According to Rapture2009.org, the world RAPTURE does not appear anywhere in the bible. This couldn’t possibly mean it is a fabricated. It must mean it’s hidden somewhere else! And I quote:

The word “RAPTURE” has been said not to appear in the Bible. Is it possible that it has been concealed or hidden (ENCODED) within the scriptures themselves.  Four matrices  have been located in the Old Testament linking the key word “RAPTURE” with the Hebrew years of 5770 (2009-2010), 5771 (2010-2011), and 5775 (2015-2016).

Most Plausible: Jewish People Are Robots from the Future

Jewish people are robots from the future, and so since we’re stuck in 2009, we need to superficially advance ourselves by making the number of our calendar year way, way ahead. We are super advanced! That’s why hassids walk so fast. That’s why Jews get married at 18 (16 if it’s against our will.)

These are known to exist! Check out their appearance on Conan!

In this skit, Conan was celebrating his 13th year on air. He considered it his bar-mitzvah episode. So in order to make it kosher, he summoned a minyon of Jewish characters, including the rabbinical robot, Cyberg, played by Threebrain. I suppose it was funny because, well, any time you mix something Jewish with pop culture, it’s sure to be a hit, and rein in those wayward Jews.

We Jews are Hassidic Ninjas sent from Outer Space

After much deliberation, I’ve found that this is probably the most absurd. I argued a strong case, though.