In honor of Rosh Hashana – I figured I’d answer the age-old question: Why 5770 and not 2009? Last year it was the same just with 5769 and 2008 etc. It changes every year – but the point is, there is a reason. Several, actually:

Some very clever Jews some 5770 or 2009 years ago decided it would be a good idea to place our calendar year some 3760 years ahead of the Gregorian calendar. The reasons for this are unclear, but there could be a few explanations for this interesting discrepancy:

The Rapture Extravaganza! (don’t forget chips & dip)

According to Rapture2009.org, the world RAPTURE does not appear anywhere in the bible. This couldn’t possibly mean it is a fabricated. It must mean it’s hidden somewhere else! And I quote:

The word “RAPTURE” has been said not to appear in the Bible. Is it possible that it has been concealed or hidden (ENCODED) within the scriptures themselves.  Four matrices  have been located in the Old Testament linking the key word “RAPTURE” with the Hebrew years of 5770 (2009-2010), 5771 (2010-2011), and 5775 (2015-2016).

Most Plausible: Jewish People Are Robots from the Future

Jewish people are robots from the future, and so since we’re stuck in 2009, we need to superficially advance ourselves by making the number of our calendar year way, way ahead. We are super advanced! That’s why hassids walk so fast. That’s why Jews get married at 18 (16 if it’s against our will.)

These are known to exist! Check out their appearance on Conan!

In this skit, Conan was celebrating his 13th year on air. He considered it his bar-mitzvah episode. So in order to make it kosher, he summoned a minyon of Jewish characters, including the rabbinical robot, Cyberg, played by Threebrain. I suppose it was funny because, well, any time you mix something Jewish with pop culture, it’s sure to be a hit, and rein in those wayward Jews.

We Jews are Hassidic Ninjas sent from Outer Space

After much deliberation, I’ve found that this is probably the most absurd. I argued a strong case, though.

The bus itself is not news to anyone who’s lived in Jerusalem for more than a week. This is not news, but it ALWAYS gets my blood boiling.

You see, I used to work nights at a call center in Jerusalem. I would come in at 11pm every night, and leave around 7am every morning. On the way back to Nachlaot from Har Hotzvim, I would take an Egged bus that would drive through the Hassidic neighborhoods of Jerusalem. These buses were always split down the middle. Men sat in the front, and women in the back.

The concept of a split bus is strange enough as it is. And as a Jerusalemite – you sort of get used to the fact that the buses are going to be segregated. However, the ride home from work every day at 7:30 am really amplified the absurdity of it. And this is why:

In the afternoon, Hassidic men are in synagogue or at work. They are not on buses, on the streets, or in cars. The women have already sent their kinderlach to school, and so they go shopping for fruit, vegetable, groggers, and other things that can be found in a Hassidic household.

The resulting phenomenon is a bus that looks exactly like the one the above picture.

However, in the morning, which is when I got on the bus – the opposite happened! The women are dressing Yoily and Shmoily for school, and feeding them cholent for breakfast, and the men are out getting to synagogue.

The resulting effect was ridiculous! I had to step onto the bus into a whiff of the putrid sweaty armpit of a man who was holding on to the railing. Squeezing past him – I managed to get to the bus driver and pay my fare. But when I looked up, the impossible occurred to me! The entire front of the bus was packed with Hassidic men. They were squeezing and battling for a place to put their two feet.

In the back sat one woman. One. This is not any better, or less insulting than the first scenario.

If Hassidim are to pretend that they are keeping themselves pure and holy by not mixing with women on buses, wouldn’t you think that they would take the women’s feelings into consideration? Wouldn’t they want to perhaps give them the respect the women deserve? Because it’s not Yoily and Shmoily they’re dressing in the morning. It’s Yoily, Shmoily, Shmeltza, Malka Dina, Brucha Gittel, Meir Mendel, Shmuel Shneur, and of course, little Chava Beila.

And that’s a small family.

The poor woman in the back is dressing, feeding, teaching, playing with, and changing the diapers of eight to twelve children. And yet the men wouldn’t dare go near her in order to sit 4 seats in front of her. There’s nothing sexual about sitting five feet away from person – not facing them. There isn’t even a sexual tension that can arise from that. And if there is – see a therapist. Oh, wait – they like to keep things “inside the community”.

In the meantime, all that’s left is to riot, I guess. Ain’t that right, Bochurim?

Photo: Shira Saracik